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The Camp Jester, or, Amusement for the Mess:
Electronic Edition.

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First edition, 2000
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Academic Affairs Library, UNC-CH
University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill,
2000.

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Source Description:
(cover) The Camp Jester, or, Amusement for the Mess
71 p.
Augusta, Ga.
Published by Blackmar & Brother
1864
Call number 3120 Conf. (Rare Book Collection, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill)

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Library of Congress Subject Headings, 21st edition, 1998

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Revision History:

THE CAMP
JESTER
OR,
AMUSEMENT
FOR THE
MESS

PUBLISHED BY BLACKMAR & BROTHER,
AUGUSTA, GA
1864.

Page iii

PREFACE.

        ENNUI is a disease which the entire human family is subject to. It appears to constitute one of the evils that came out of the wonderful box of Pandora, and, from its first essay into the world, spread its drowsy influence far and wide, causing a fixed tension of the muscles of the face an elongation of the features, and a staid soberness in man's demeanor which seemed to write "suicide" upon his brow. To counteract the baleful effects of this opiate of our nature, wit and humor were created in order that man might sometimes bask in the sunshine of happiness, and shake off the lassitude caused by his having sucked green persimmons in the early days of life. We are the children of impulse, and always act according to circumstances. Tickle our nerves and we laugh, wound them and we cry. Good humor is always a sure antidote for ennui, and whatever administers to our happiness in this world, must of course tend to sweeten, if not to lengthen life. "Laugh and grow fat," as a jolly old English saying, and if appearances are fair indications, John Bull acts nobly up to his favorite motto.

        There are various classes of wit; The Brilliant, the Electric, and the Pointed constitute the principal. Men may frequently be witty without knowing it, and per contra, men may frequently attempt wit and believe themselves witty, when no one else ever believed them guilty of saying a good thing.

        Brilliant wit dazzles us with its splendor; it creates admiration, and but seldom laughter. For instance, Judge Dawes while on the bench was shown a watch which had saved a man's life by resisting a pistol bullet. "A wonderful watch," exclaimed he, "it has kept TIME from ETERNITY." There is nothing to laugh at in the Judge's spontaneous jeu d'esprit; no punning, no play upon words, yet every one must observe the force of the allusion.

        Of this kind of wit was Governeur Morris. While the surgeons were amputating his leg, he observed his servant standing by weeping. "Tom," said Mr. Morris, "why are you weeping? It is rank hypocricy--you wish to laugh; for, in future you'll have but one shoe to clean instead of two"

        Also Judge Peters, who was sitting alone to hear a law argument. After a very learned and able discussion, he turned to the counsel and said, "The Court is DIVIDED in opinion."

        Brilliant wit never fails to indicate genius; it seems of spontaneous birth, and always falls pleasantly upon the ear. I once heard Smith, the celebrated razor strap man, thus eulogize his razors.

        "Gentlemen, these razors were made in a cave in Andalusia, in Spain. They can cut as quick as thought, and are as bright as the morning star. Lay them under your pillow at night and you will be clean shaved in the morning."

        Shakspeare makes Mercutio say in his dying moments, "Send for me tomorrow and you will find me a GRAVE man" He never had been

Page iv

grave before. The play here is upon the word 'grave:' the last effort of the dying man ought, therefore, more properly to come under the head of serious punning.

        Electric wit takes an audience by surprise for no one anticipated it. It creates both admiration and laughter. The reader will be kind enough to imagine himself within the area of a social circle, in friendly chat with those who can give a joke and take one. From some unexpected quarter a bright spark is omitted, and the surprise is only equalled by the admiration created by the sudden explosion. A truly witty man seldom laughs at his own jokes. If he succeeds in making others laugh it is glory enough for him. I have met with many a wag whose dry humor was such, that though his scintillations might be considered a dull pyrotechnic display, yet the serio comic way in which the attempt was made, convulsed the company with laughter, and brought down thunders of applause.

        The third class, which I denominate Pointed wit, is always associated with satire. It is a dangerous species of wit, and though it may please many, it is always sure to wound some. The epigrams of former times were considered of the first order of wit--the severer their stroke, the more they won admiration. I have known a pungent repartee to give rise to a duel. I have also known brothers to become deadly and unnatural enemies for the same cause. Those who consider themselves wags should, therefore, be wary how they use "the cut direct," for a polished sword of steel when exposed to the sunlight may excite the admiration of the crowd, but let it fall upon the sconce of some unlucky wight, and he is sure to wince.

        The reader will find specimens of these different species recorded in the pages that follow these introductory remarks. Many of the sparks that are emitted from the folds of this little book have, doubtless, before dazzled the seeker after humor, while others are produced as an antidote to care for the first time, with a faint hope that they may succeed in effecting a perfect cure.

        The book is published for the amusement of our brave soldiers who are on the tented field. It is the editor's hope that it may tend to cheer the dreary routine of camp duty, and prove a welcome panacea to the dull monotony of "voiceless woods and whispering brooks"

        In our selections we have drawn heavily upon our friend, Punch, of Richmond, thereby showing our good taste and ready appreciation of his wit and good humor. We have also culled from the luminous pages of the "Confederate Knapsack," and "Bugle Horn of Liberty."

THE EDITOR.

Page 5

THE CAMP JESTER.

A JEW'S CONSCIENCE.

        --A Jew was observed noticing very intently a prodigiously fine ham. "What are you saying to that ham, Mr. Jacobs?" asked a bystander, "I was saying to it, thou almost persuadeth me to become a christian." The Jew's appetite was making a fearful assault upon his religious scruples.

MACREADY NON-PLUSSED.

        --An under-actor, who had a grudge against the great Macready, once had to personate Rosencranz to his Hamlet, and he siezed on the favorable opportunity of annoying him. In the scene where Hamlet, according to the correct edition of Shakspeare, hands Rosencranz a pipe and requests him to play upon it; there was some small confusion, the property man having neglected to furnish a "pipe." Rosencranz seeing the dilemma of the noble Dane, reached down into the orchestra and brought up a bassoon. Hamlet was horror stricken, but the play must go on. With much dignity, mingled with mortification, he passed the unwieldy instrument over to Rosencranz and proceeded:

        "Can you play upon this instrument?"

        "No, my lord."

        "You have but to place your fingers upon these little ventages, and it will discourse most eloquent music."

        "I cannot play, my lord."

        "Do."

        "Well, my lord," said Rosencranz, placing the instrumen to his lips, "if you insist upon it, I will. I'll give you Michael Wiggins; it's the only tune I ever learned.' And to the horror of the great actor, and the merriment of the audience, the fellow went into the Irish jig of Michael

Page 6

Wiggins in downright earnest, creating a confusion that caused his discharge from the company, though he was gratified at having his revenge on Macready.

CLERICAL WIT.

        --The Rev. Mr. Cookman, who was lost in the ill-fated steamer President, once preached to a congregation in Baltimore which had an excellent choir to do their singing. The members of the Church, however, thought they had a right, and, in fact, that it was their duty to join in the choral services, and, consequently, gave their "powerful aid" to the trained choristers. On the occasion alluded to a congregational hymn was sung. The choir took the time that suited them, and the congregation chimed in smoothly enough at first; but at length began to drag, and finally every one seemed singing "on his own book." When the hymn was brought to a chaotic close, the reverend gentleman arose and remarked:

        "If the brethren of the choir will sing a leetle slower, and the bretheren of the congregation a leetle faster, I have not the least doubt but the music will be much more acceptable to God."

AN ACCOMMODATING CONSCIENCE.

        --An old negro who was generally hired out to different masters, was once asked by a white sectarian, who wished to hire him, to what church he belonged? To this interrogatory he replied:

        "When I is hired out to a marster dat is Presbyterian, I is Presbyterian. When I is hired out to a marster dat is Mefodis', I is Mefodis'. When I is hired out to a marster dat is Baptis', I is Baptis', too. De fac is I's whatever religion marster is."

TAKING THE CENSUS.

        --A census-taker once called upon the mother of a family in California, and among other questions, asked her how many children she had. The mother replied that she really could not tell, but there was one thing of which she was certain--"that the measles got among the children once, but that there was not enough of it to go around."

Page 7

NO SOUL.

        --A gentleman who was so unfortunate as to stutter, somewhat thus belaboured a mean neighbor who had importnned him out of three cents, balance of account:

        "Th-they s-say that th-the m moment any one d-d-dies another is b-b-born; and th-the s-soul of th-the one that d-d-dies gog-gog-goes into the one th-that's born. Now wh-when n-n-neighbor S Smith was b-born no-no-nobody d-died."

EPIGRAM--BY SAXE.


                         Men dying make their wills--but wives
                         Escape a work so sad;
                         Why should they make what all their lives
                         The gentle dames have had.

JOHN RANDOLPH.

        --Once, after this eccentric Virginian had been speaking in Congress several members arose in succession and attacked him. His reply was as prompt as it was witty. "Sir," said he to the Speaker, "I am in the condition of old Lear,


                         "The little dogs and all
                         Tray, Blanche and Sweetheart,
                         See, they bark at me."

EPIGRAM.


                         Adam laid down and slept, and from his side
                         A woman in her magic beauty rose;
                         Dazzled and charmed he called that woman bride,
                         And his first sleep became his last repose.

WELLERISMS.

        "I'm clear grit," as the grind stone said to the axe.

        "I'll trouble you for your ear," as the knife said to the oyster.

        "Give me a shake of your hand," as the ague said to the Wolvereen.

        "You're a book keeper," as the librarian said to the man who never returned a book.

Page 8

        "Off with his head; so much for bacon ham," as the butcher said to the hog.

        "One rod makes an acher," as the boy said when the schoolmaster dusted his back.

CONUNDRUMS.

        Why is Arabia like an argument? Because it is a racy-hossy-nation, (ratiocination.)

        Why is an absconding Irishman like the most southern portion of South America? Because he is Pat-a-going-away, (Patagonia.)

        Why is an old-fashioned chimney like a swallow? Because it has a crooked flew.

        Why is an extravagant wife like the sub-treasury bill? Because she has a specie claws.

        When Sir John Falstaff was drunk, why did he rob the Churches? Because he was sack-religious.

BIBLE FOOD.


                         Who says old Shinny's fat?
                         I'm sure it's quite a libel;
                         Week days he lives on broth,
                         On Sunday eats his Bible.

A SCENE.

        The following scene is taken from the military farce of "The Prisoner of Menterey." (Liza is seated at a work table, and, while sewing abstractedly, questions Sergeant Brusque, her guard, as to his ideas of courtship.)

        Liza.--Sergeant Brusque.

        Brus.--Senorita.

        Liza.--Were you ever in love?

        Bruz.--Bah! once Senorita.

        Liza.--You military men are very strong headed. Let me question you a little as to your mode of courtship, for I may be courted some of these days, and I should like to have the benefit of your experience.

Page 9

        (Here Brusque becomes quite uneasy, and in order to avoid the questions of Liza amuses himself by going through the manual, Liza speaking while she continues her sewing.)

        Liza.--I presume the first thing you do when you wish to win the affections of a lady is to draw her--

        Brus.--Attention!

        Liza.--But suppose she should show you a cold--

        Brus.--Shoulder--

        Liza.--You certainly would not seek her--

        Brus.--Arms!

        Liza.--If kind would you always give her your--

        Brus.--Support!

        Liza.--But you'd have a heavy burden to--

        Brus.--Carry!

        Liza.--Your butcher and baker would have to--

        Brus.--Charge!

        Liza.--And the bailiff might tap you on the--

        Brus.--Shoulder!

        Liza.--In that event you'd have to--

        Brus.--Right about face!

        Liza.--Ah, that would'nt do, Sergeant, you must show a bold

        Brus.--Front!

        Liza.--What a real blessing is domestic--

        Brus.--Order!

        Liza.--With a cheerful fireside you can--

        Brus.--Stand at ease!

        Liza.--Your wife will require all your--

        Brus.--Attention!

        Liza.--For she will lean upon your--

        Brus.--Shoulder!

        Liza.--And you should always be--

        Brus.--Ready!

        Liza.--And her happiness should be your--

        Brus.--Aim!

        Liza.--If not it had been much better for both parties, had you thrown all your tender epistles into the--

        Brus.--Fire! (Discharges his gun.)

        Liza.--Heavens, Sergeant, what have you done?

        Brus.--(Confused.) Exploded!

Page 10

VALOR


                         Lo! the poor soldier whose uneasy mind
                         Sees foes in every bush, and hears his step behind;
                         Whose soul stern duty ne'er could teach to stay
                         Where bullets whistle--so he ran away.

THE VALIANT CONSCRIPT,

AS SUNG WITH GREAT APPLAUSE BY MESSRS C, MORTON AND OLIVER WREN


                         How are you; boys, I'm just from camp,
                         And feel as brave as Caesar;
                         The sound of bugle drum, and fife,
                         Has raised my Ebenezer,
                         I'm full of fight--odds, shot and shell!
                         I'll leap into the saddle,
                         And when the Yankees see me come,
                         Lord, how they will skedaddle,


                         Hold up your head up, Shanghai, Shanks:
                         Don't shake your knees and blink so:
                         It is no time now to dodge the act.
                         Brave comrades, don't you think so.


                         I was a plow boy in the field,
                         A gawky, lazy dodger,
                         When came the Conscript officer
                         And took me for a sojer.
                         He put a musket in my hand,
                         And showed me how to fire it:
                         I marched and countermarched all day.
                         Lord, how I did admire it.


                         Hold up your head, &c.


                         With corn and hog fat for my food,
                         And digging, guarding, drilling,
                         I got as thin as twice skimmed milk.
                         And was scarcely worth the killing.
                         But now I'm used to homely fare,
                         My skin as tough as leather,
                         I do guard duty cheerfully
                         In every kind of weather,


                         Hold up your head, &c.


                         I am brim full of fight, my boys;
                         I would not give a thank ye
                         For all the smiles the girls can give,
                         Until I've killed my Yankee!
                         High private is a glorious rank,
                         There's wide room for promotion:

Page 11


                         I'll get a corp'ral's stripe some day,
                         When Fortune's in the notion.


                         Hold up your head, &c


                         'Tis true I have not seen a fight,
                         Nor have I smelt gunpowder:
                         But then the way I'll pepper Yanks,
                         Will be a sin to chowder.
                         A sergeant's stripes I soon will sport,
                         Perhaps, be color bearer,
                         And then a Captain--good for me!
                         I'll be a regular tearer.


                         Hold up your head. &c.


                         I'll then begin to wear the stars,
                         And then the wreaths of glory,
                         Until an army I command,
                         And poets sing my story.
                         Our Congress will pass votes of thanks,
                         To him who rose from zero:
                         The people in a mass will shout,
                         Hurrah, behold the hero!


                         Hold up your heads, &c.
                         Fires his gun by accident.]


                         What's that? oh dear! a boiler's burst,
                         A gas pipe has exploded!
                         May be the Yankees are hard by,
                         With muskets ready loaded.
                         On, gallant soldiers, beat them back!
                         I'd join you in the frolic,
                         But I've a chill from head to foot,
                         And symptoms of the cholic!


                         Hold up your head, &c.

THE CHESAPEAKE FISHERMAN.


                         Sam Bell he was a fisherman
                         Of Chesapeake's broad bay.
                         For clawing crabs he gained eclat
                         By his strange, crabbed way.
                         Each day he brought his oysters up
                         To market for to sell out,
                         A sell-fish man Sam Bell, he was,
                         And people had to shell out.

Page 12


                         Sometimes he hauled his net for fish,
                         For scaly were his deeds,
                         And Fri-day was the day that he
                         Summed up his net proceeds.
                         He often perch'd upon a rock
                         That flounder'd in the sea,
                         But once insane himself, his seine
                         Brought up a stingaree


                         He lov'd a maid--sweet Sally Brown,
                         Who kept a sausage stall,
                         In troubled waters long he fish'd
                         Until he made a haul.
                         No mincing matters with Miss Brown,
                         Love hauls in pleasant weather,
                         He went the whole hog in a day,
                         And they were link'd together.


                         Alas, alas, for stout Sam Bell,
                         He found when 'twas too late,
                         That he had hook'd a lampray-eel.
                         With soft soap for his bait.
                         His grief it was ten fathoms deep,
                         He died, 'twas by self slaughter,
                         At first he took to drinking rum,
                         And then he took to water.


                         Now, all young men, a lesson-learn,
                         Don't cast your net 'mong swine,
                         For, when a heavy pig gets in,
                         'Tis sure to break the twine.
                         Be caution'd by the fate of Sam,
                         Who in the sea went down,
                         He comfort found in getting blue,
                         And grief in getting Brown.

THE TIME O' DAY.

        --A raw son of the Emerald Isle, just arrived, wore a pair of leather inexpressibles, with blue clocked stockings. A dress of such rare antiquity drew the attention of a smart, upper crust dandy, who thus accosted him:

        "My good fellow; what time is it by your stockings?"

        "Jist striking one!" replied the Irishman, giving him a rap over the sconce with his shillelah.

SCHISMS

        --A few years ago, in the northern part of Wisconsin, a preacher of a certain persuasion which denounces

Page 13

all associations outside of the Church as utterly uncanonical took for his text the sadly unheeded advice of St. Paul: "Let there be no schisms." "Here, brethering," said he, "we have the plain word of Scripture against schemes! It knocks on the head the Missionary Scheme; the Bible Scheme; the Tract Scheme; the Sunday School Scheme; and the Temperance Scheme; and all such like devices of the devil."


                         To cheer the widow's heart in her distress,
                         To make provision for the fatherless,
                         Is but a christian's duty, and none should
                         Resist the heart-appeal of widow Hood.

THE HOOSIER SERMON.

        "The Harp of a Thousand strings."

        "I may say to you, my brethring, that I am not an edecated man, an' I am not one o' them that beleeves edecation is necessary for a gospel minister, fur I beleeve the Lord edecates his preachers jest as he wants 'em to be edecated, and, although I say't that ought'nt to say it, yet in the State of Indianny, whar I live, thar's no man gits a bigger congregation nor what I gets.

        There may be some here, to-day, my brethring, as do not know what persuasion I am uv. Well, I may say to you, my brethring, that I am a hard shell Baptist. Thar's some folks as dont like the Hard Shell Baptists, but I'd rayther hev a hard shell as no shell at all. You see me here, today, my brethering, dressed up in fine clothes; you mought think I was proud, but I am not proud, my brethering, and although I've been a preacher of the gospel for twenty years and although I've been captain uv that flat boat that lies at yonder landing, I'm not proud, my brethering.

        I'm not gwoin ter tell you edzactly whar my tex may be found, suffice it tu say, it's in the leds uv the Bible, and you will find it somewhar 'tween the fust chapter uv the book of Generation, and the last chapter of the book of Revolutions, and ef you'll go and search the Scriptures, you'll not only find my tex thar, but a great many other texes, as will

Page 14

do you good to read, and my tex, when you shill find it you shill find it read thus:

        'And he played on a harp uv a thousand strings, sperits uv just men made perfeck."

        My tex, brethering, leads me to speak uv sperits. Now, thar's a great many kind of sperits in the world; in the fust place, thar's the sperits as some folks calls ghosts; then thar's the sperits uv turpen-time; and then thar's the sperits as some folks call liquor, and I've got as good artikel uv them kind uv sperits on my flat boat as ever was fetched down the Mississippi river, but thar's a great many other kinds of sperits, for the tex says. "He played upon a harp uv a thou-sand strings, sperits uv just men made perfeck."

        But, I'll tell you the kind uv sperits as is meant by the tex; it's fire. That is the kind uv sperits as is meant by tex, my brethering. Now, thar's a great many kinds uv fire in the world. In the first place, thar's the common kind of fire you light your cigars or pipes with, and then thar's camfire, fire before you're ready to fall back, and many other kinds uv fire, for the tex says, "He played upon a harp uv a thou-sand strings, the sperits uv just men made perfect."

        But, I'll tell you what kind of sperits is meant in the tex, my brethering, it's hell fire! and that's the kind uv fire as a great many uv you'll come to, of you dont do better nor what you have been doin', for "He played upon a harp uv a thou sand strings, the sperits uv just men made perfeck."

        Now, the different sorts uv fire in the world may be likened unto the different persuasions in the world. In the fust place, we have the 'Piscopalians, and they are a high sailin' and highfalutin' set, and they may be likened unto a turkey-buzzard, that flies up into the air, and he goes up and up till he looks no bigger nor your thumb nail, and the first thing you know, he comes down an' down and is fillin' himself on the karkiss of a dead hoss by the side uv the road, and "He played upon a harp of a thou-sand strings, the sperits uv just men made perfeek."

        And then there's the Methodis, and they may be likened unto a squirrel runnun' up into a tree, for the Methodis believes in gwoin' on from one degree uv grace to another and finally on to perfeeshun; and the squirrel goes up

Page 15

and up, and he jumps from limb to limb, and branch to branch, and the first thing you know he falls, and down he comes kerflummux! and that's like the Methodis, for they is allers a-fallin' from grace, ah! and "He played on a harp uv a thou-sand strings, sperits of just men made perfeck."

        And then, my brethering, thar's the Baptist, ah! and they have been likened unto a "possum on a 'simmon tree, and the thunders may roll, and the earth may quake, but that possom clings thar still, ah! and you may shake one foot loose, and the other's thar; and you may shake all the feet loose, and he laps his tail aroun' the limb, and he clings for ever; for "He played on a harp uv a thou-sand strings, the sperits of just men made perfeck."

        Let us join in a spiritual song--


                         Ef you want to make old Satan run,
                         Play on the golden harp:
                         Jest shoot him with the gospel gun,
                         Play on the golden harp.
                         Play on the golden harp: play on the golden harp:

COL. DAVID CROCKETT.

        --The renowned David Crocket, whom some good people of this period believe to be a fabulous character--a myth--was a great humorist. When he passed through Baltimore, on his return from a tour to the North, a number of his admirers invited him to a dinner party. At the dinner he was introduced to Colonel----, a man favored by no means with personal beauty, and who, in order to hide the defects of a blind eye, wore a pair of green spectacles. After the dinner, Crockett, with a party of gentlemen, took a stroll through the streets, during which his attention was drawn by the gambols of a monkey which, in obedience to his master, an organ grinder, performed a number of tricks. 'Jocko," said Crockett to the monkey, "you only want a pair of green spectacles to make you a perfect counterpart of Colonel----."

        The Colonel happened to be standing at Crockett's elbow, and the latter feeling himself called upon to make an apology, said:

Page 16

        "Why, Colonel, how d'ye do? I did'nt see you. I don't know whether to make an apology to you or to the monkey!"

THE SUBLIME.

        --The following lines are extracted from an old journal. The lungs of the poet must have "bleeted like buttered peas," when he made his lofty flight to the realms of the stars:


                         I'd love to sit upon the corner of the moon,
                         And inundate the earth with briny tears,
                         Or chase a comet with a huge balloon,
                         And play the organ of the starry spheres,
                         I'd love to mount Apollo's fiery car
                         And crack my whip along the milky way,
                         Until I'd rattled over every star,
                         And scoured the regions of perpetual day.
                         I'd kick the seven Satellites of Saturn,
                         And brush the snow from aged Herschel's brow,
                         Proud Mars I'd pummel with a wooden baton.
                         And doff my cap to Venus, "How d'ye do?"
                         I'd love to straddle you inflated cloud,
                         And gallop on before the wings of Boreas.
                         I'd tune my pipes so lustily and loud
                         That aged ocean would jig to the chorus.
                         I'd roll about among its silvery folds,
                         Until Jove's forged thunder rambled out
                         With flashes like the eyes of common scolds,
                         Roaring "slang, bang, boom, what are you about?
                         I'd love to climb a rainbow as a squirrel
                         Climbs up a crooked oak, and when I'd tied
                         An ignis fatuus on its top with laurel
                         Switches, I'd travel down the other side!
                         I'd love to sit upon a whirlwind's back,
                         And go with whip and spur from pole to pole,
                         Until with puff and snort my speed I'd slack,
                         And plunge head foremost into Symmes' Hole!

SCENE IN A RAILROAD CAR.

        --As a military train was making its way from Augusta to Atlanta, a certain Major in the Quartermaster's Department, produced an elegant watch, which he exposed to the admiring gaze of a number of officers who sat near him: "Gentlemen," said he, "I paid five hundred dollars for that watch, and dog cheap at that."

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        A poor soldier who happened to be sitting near, asked humbly to be permitted to look at the watch. He examined it closely, and sighing, exclaimed as he returned it to its owner:

        "Five hundred dollars for a watch!" I reckon, sir, you're a Quartermaster, no one else could afford to buy watches at that price."

        The Major put his watch up and said nothing.

THE SHIP OF ZION.

        --An itinerant preacher who delighted in distributing tracts among the "ungodly soldiers,' recently gathered around him a large body of members of one of the Louisiana regiments, to whom he talked much of the "Ship of Zion;" how it braved the storms of this sinful world, and fought the good fight uninjured. At the end of his homily, a raw boned fellow stepped up to him and asked the following question:

        "Mister preacher, that must have been a moughty good boat--wa'nt it a regular iron-clad?"

SQUAD.

        --An Irish conscript having been found to be too awkward, was placed in the "awkward squad," where he was all alone by himself. The drill master commenced his labors:

        "Squad! attention!"

        Paddy stood erect, but looked indignant.

        "Squad! front!"

        He fronted, but being no longer able to smother his rage, exclaimed.

        "Look here, mister, my name's Pat Mahoney, and by the mother of Moses, I won't be called "Squad" by any man."

EPITAPH ON A SCOLD.


                         Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,
                         Lies Arabella Young;
                         Who on the twenty-first of May
                         Began to hold her tongue

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MARCH OF MIND.

        --"Miss, did you see the balloon yesterday?"

        "Yes, I had a synopsis view of it."

        "How does the thermometer stand?" asked a father of his college-bred son.

        "It don't stand at all, sir, it hangs," was the reply.

        "Well, but I mean how high is it?"

        "Just about five feet from the floor."

        "Pooh! you fool, how does the mercury range?"

        "Up and down--perpendicular."

        An Irishman having purchased a shawl for his wife, found that it made rather too large a bulk for one of his pockets, he therefore requested the clerk to wrap it up in two pieces of paper so that he might put it in both pockets.

        "A horse is a happy creature," said Simon in a melancholy tone, "because he's got no notes to pay to-morrow."

        "Not so happy as you suppose," replied Bob, "for he has his checks and drafts to meet."

CONUNDRUMS.

        Why is a troublesome tooth like murder? Because its akin to kill.

        Why is it like a scolding wife? Because it makes you hold your jaw.

        Why is it like Jeff Davis when called upon by the crowd? Because it must come out.

        What sort of capital punishment do most men suffer daily? The want of funds.

        Why should an umbrella never be loaned? Because it is expected that every gentleman will follow the morals of society by stealing one wherever he finds it.

        Why are tailors the laziest men? Because they always set down to work, and seam so pressed to get through with it.

        Why are butchers never consumptive? Because they are so often picking up, and seldom lose flesh.

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        Why is a pretty foot and ankle like one of Shakespare's comedies? Because its "all well that ends well."

        What is the best proof of a woman's insanity? To see her admire another woman more than herself.

        Why has old Abe been too liberal to Gen. Rosencrans? Because he has Granted him more than he desired.

        What's the most accumulative capital a man can have? A capital wife.

        What did Adam and Eve do when they were expelled from Eden? They raised Cain.

        Why are shoemakers the most endurable of mechanics? Because they wax stronger as their work becomes heavier.

        What should be the cheapest vegetable in the Richmond market? Turnips. Why? Because nearly every man you meet has one in his pocket, and many a lady carries one on her face.

        Why may the ladies be considered as opposed to total abstinence? Because they are addicted to their glasses.

ANECDOTE OF GEN. EARLY.

        --Punch was told this anecdote of the gallant General.

        During the recent fight on the Rappahannock, he saw a man rushing past him.

        "Where are you going?" cried the General.

        "To the rear," replied the man. "I am a non-combatant."

        "Who are you?" demanded the General.

        "I am a chaplain," replied the runner.

        "Well," said the General, "here is consistency! For twenty years you have been wanting to get to heaven, and now that there is a chance, you run away from it."

ANECDOTE OF GENERAL WISE

        --A soldier of the "Wise Brigade," relates to Punch, the following amusing anecdote of his gallant coommander.

        During the battles around Richmond, Gen. Wise was ordered to take a position just outside a fence which en-closed

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a tract of land, that gradually rose until it attained a considerable elevation.

        While the soldiers of the Brigade were eagerly watching an opportunity to distinguish themselves, one of the Generals' aids rode up and said: "General, I see a battery on you distant hill. The enemy must be there in considerable force."

        Looking steadily, for sometime, through the mist which enveloped the hill, the General discerned an object which he concluded was a battery. Riding along the line, and rising in his stirrups, he made one of those electrifying little speeches to the Brigade for which he is-so celebrated.

        "Boys," said he in conclusion, "the Yankees have planted a battery on yonder hill. They must be dislodged, Right shoulder shift! Over the fence! Give 'em h--ll, G--d d--m 'em!"

        Over the fence, and up the hill, rushed the Brigade. The disappointment can be better imagined than described, when the so-thought battery turned out to be a hay-stack!

        It is unnecessary to say that there was some tall profanity, over which the recording angel dropped a tear.

ADVICE THROWN AWAY,

        --"John, my young friend, do mond your conduct. You are in a fair way to bring your poor old father's gray hairs in sorrow to the grave."

        "That's impossible, the old chap wears a wig."

TIT FOR TAT.

        --Jones says Smith is loose in his habits Smith says that Jones is always tight in his.

        Miss Simpleton recently fainted upon being told that her betrothed had several engagements since the war began.

        "Jimmy what do you think; old grand-dad is ninety years old to-day." "Pshaw, that's northing,--if my grand-dad had lived till now, he would have been much older."

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HOW MORGAN GOT THREE HUNDRED HORSES.

        John Morgan is as good at playing a joke sometimes as he is at horse stealing, and the following incident will prove that on this occasion he did a little of both at the same time. During his celebrated tour through Indiana he, with about three hundred and fifty guerillas, took occasion to pay a visit to a little town hard by, while the main body were 'marching on.' Dashing suddenly into the little 'burg,' he found about three hundred home guards, each having a good horse tied to the fences--the men standing about in groups, awaiting orders from their aged captain, who looked as if he had seen the shady side of some sixty years. The Hoosier boys looked at the men with astonishment while the captain went up to one of the party and asked:

        "Whose company is this?"

        "Wolford's cavalry," said the reb.

        "What! Kentucky boys! We're glad to see you boys? Whar's Wolford?"

        "There he sits," said a ragged, rough rebel, pointing to Morgan, who was sitting side ways upon his horse.

        The Captain walked up to Wolford (as he and all thought) and saluted him:

        "Captain, how are you?"

        "Bully! How are you? What are you going to do with all these men and horses?" Morgan looked about.

        "Well, you see that damned horse thieving John Morgan is in this part of the country with a parcel of cut throats and thieves, and between you and I, if he comes up this way Captain, we'll give him the best we've got in the shop."

        "He's hard to catch, we've been after him for fourteen days and can't see him at all," said Morgan good humoredly.

        "Ef our hosses would stand fire we'd be all right."

        "Won't they stand?"

        "No, Captain Wolford; 'spose while you're restin' you and your company put your saddles on our horses and go through a little evolution or two, by way of a lesson to our boys. I am told you are a hoss on the drill."

        And the only man that Morgan is afraid of, Wolford (as

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it were,) alighted and ordered "his boys" to dismount, as he wanted to show the Hoosier boys how to give Morgan a warm reception should he chance to pay them a visit. This delighted the hoosier boys, so they went to work and assisted the men to tie their old weary, worn out bones to the fences, and place their saddles upon the backs of their fresh horses, which was soon done, and the men were in their saddles drawn up in line and ready for the word. The boys were highly elated at the idea of having their pet horses," trained for them by Wolford and his men, and the more so to think that they would stand fire ever afterwards.

        The old Captain advanced, and walking up to Wolford, (as he thought,) said: "Captain, are you all right now?" Wolford rode up one side of the column and down the other, when he moved to the front, took off his hat, paused and said, "Now, Captain, I am ready; if you and your gallant men wish to witness an evolution which you perhaps have never seen, form a line on each side of the road, and watch us closely as we pass." The Captain did as he was directed. A lot of ladies were present on the occasion, and all was as silent as a maiden's sigh.

        "Are you ready?"

        "All right, Wolford," shouted the Captain.

        "Forward!" shouted Morgan, as the whole column rushed through the crowd with lightning speed, amid the shouts and huzzas of every one present--some leading a horse or two as they went, leaving their frail tenements of horse flesh tied to the fences, to be provided for by the citizens. It soon became whispered about that it was John Morgan and his gang, and there is not a man in the town who will "own up" that he was gulled out of a horse. The company disbanded that night, though the Captain holds the horses as prisoners of war, and awaits an exchange.

HUMOR

        Freddy is less than four years old. His sister, who is not quite a year old, was setting in her father's lap crying and fretting for her mother, who had gone out, when

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Freddy turned to her and said, in the easiest manner possible: "There, Alice, you've cried enough; there's no use fretting any more--Mother's gone away, and father don't keep the article you want!"

        Mrs. Dowdy says that one of her boys don't know nothing, and the other does. The question is, which knows the most?

        Two Marines, one Irish and the other Yankee, agreed reciprocally to take care of each other, in case of either being wounded in running the gauntlet at Vicksburg. It was not long before the Yankee's leg was shot off by a cannon ball; and, on his calling to Pat to carry him to the surgeon, according to their agreement, the other very readily complied; but he bad scarcely got his wounded comrade on his back when a second ball struck off the poor fellow's head. Pat, who, through the noise and confusion common in such engagements, had not perceived his friend's last misfortune, continued to make the best of his way to the surgeon. An officer observing him with a headless trunk upon his shoulders, asked where he was going.

        "To the doctor," said Pat.

        "The doctor?" said the officer; "why, you blockhead, the man has lost his head."

        On hearing this he flung the body from his shoulders, and, looking at it very attentively exclaimed:

        "By me soul, he has certinly lost his sinces, for he tould me it was his leg."

        Colonel E--says, in speaking with some Yankee prisoners a short time since, one of them remarked that he thought the Rebel officers were very fond of showing their marks of distinction:

        "I have often wondered," said he "where you get all those chicken guts you have so profusely sewed on your coat sleeves."

        "Business before pleasure, as the man said when he kissed his wife before he went out to make love to his neighbor's.

        A plain-spoken woman lately visited a married woman and said to her, "How do you contrive to amuse yourself?" "Amuse!" said the other, staring; "do you know I have

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my housework to do?" "Yes," was the answer. "I see you have it to do; but as it is never done, I conclude you must have some other way of passing your time."

        When does a man rob his wife? When he "hooks" her dress.

        Adjutant E----, of the----Mississippi Regiment, loved a good joke so well that he would sacrifice a good friend rather than the joke, which would have been the case with his own Colonel one day, when camped near the Rappahannock, had it not been that Colonel S----was the best natured man alive.

        The Colonel was reprimanding his Adjutant for some little pecadilloos of which he had been guilty, and told him he had a great mind to let him dig up a stump.

        The Adjutant begged to be let off this time, and he would never be guilty of the like again. Said he "now, Colonel, you know you are a good man, and will do as much for your men as any Colonel in the army, and you can do more than any other that I know. Do you know, Colonel, that your father used to tell me about your good qualities. He said you always did as you were directed, and could do anything you undertook from plowing to cooking, etc."

        "Well, that's all very true," said the Colonel, interrupting.

        "Except one thing," continued E----

        "What was that?" asked the Colonel.

        "It was picking up chips--your feet being of such proportions as to cover everything within your reach."

        Adjutant E---- got off.

SPEEDY PROMOTION.

        --One day on the field, Gen. Lee's hat having fallen off, a young Lieutenant stepped forward picked it up, and presented it to him.

        "Thank you, Captain," said the General, inadvertently.

        "In what regiment, sir?" inquired the Lieut, quick as lightning. The General smiled, and forthwith promoted the witty youth to a captaincy.

        If you obsere a gentleman with his arm around the waist of a lady, it is morally certain that they are not married.

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        The following is a sailor's description of a dance. "Haven't had any fun with the land-lubbers till Thursday night at a dance. When I, arrived in the cabin I found them under headway of a Spanish dance. Took my station in line with Suke Tucker--fell back and filled, then shot ahead two fathoms--hauled up on the starboard tack to let another craft pass, and then came stern on another sail--spoke her, and then bore round against the sun and fell in with another sail in full chase. Passed twenty sail on same course, and when half way across to the other shore, dropped astern, fell back--could'nt fill, so let go anchor and hauled up for repairs."

RAILROAD DIALOGUE

        --"Hallo, stranger, you appear to be traveling?"

        "Yes, I generally do when I'm on a journey."

        "Are you going down South very far?"

        "Yes, or a shorter distance."

        "Havn't I seen you some where?"

        "Perhaps you have--I've been there quite often."

        "Mightn't your name be Brown?"

        "Yes, that or some other."

        "Have you been long in Virginia?"

        "Yes, a pretty good length--about six feet."

        "Were you born in the Confederacy?"

        "I don't recollect, but if I was not, I was born some where else."

        "Do you expect to stay down South long?"

        "No longer than it suits me."

        "I suppose you're got plenty of money?"

        "Well, I could carry more, if I had it."

        "Are you in favor of recognition by Napoleon?"

        "Were he to recognize me, I should return his salutation."

        "Do you take snuff?"

        "Yes, I am considered up to snuff."

        "Do you chew tobacco?"

        "Not often, but I carry a piece to stop inquisitive mouths with."

        (Hands piece of tobacco.)

        "Thank you, I'm done talking."

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A MATTER OF FACT.

        --"My dear friend, I'm glad to see you on your feet once more. Providence alone brought you out of your illness!"

        "Well, I can't say as to that. I suppose I shall have to thank Providence for my narrow escape; but I know I shall have to pay the doctor."

        "Sweet are the uses of adversity," says Shakspeare; but the following colloquy does'nt "make the proposition good:"

        "Ah, Sam, so you are in trouble, eh?"

        "Yes, Jem, yes; I am."

        "Well, well, never mind; cheer up, man--cheer up. Adversity tries us, and shows up our better qualities."

        "Ah, but adversity didn't try me; it was a country Judge, and he showed up my moral qualities."

        This argument was a non sequitur; and in this case, at least, "the greater the thief, the greater the argument."

A HARD CURRENCY.

        --"Simkins, don't you wish the next Congress will do something to establish a hard currency among us?"

        "Why as to that, it is thought by many that the currency is hard enough already, but for my part, I think it hard enough to get!"

SCENE IN A DENTIST'S OFFICE.

        --A male representative from the Emerald Isle enters hat in hand, with--.

        "The top of the morning to ye, sir; an' I've got a bad tooth, an' the devil a bit o' comfort can I get short of a bottle of brandy, an' I've got one of Father Matthy's medals to keep me from all such evil spirits, shure. Now, sir, what'll ye be axin'to pull me a tooth?"

        "Half a dollar," says the doctor.

        "Well," says Pat, "what'll you pull two teeth for?"

        "O," replied the doctor, "I won't charge you anything for pulling the second one."

        Pat seated himself, turned up his mug, and the doctor took a peep at his grinders, and with a little assistance from Pat, soon found which were the ones he wanted out: says Pat--

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        "This is the first one, and that is the second one. Plaize pull the second one first."

        "Very well," replied the doctor, "any way to get them out," and he pulled.

        Before he had time to fix the instrument for the other tooth--the first one--Pat had got out of the chair and was edging towards the door.

        "I guess doctor, I won't have the first tooth pulled till it aches, and you told me you would pull the second one for nothing."

        Pat mizzled, and the doctor pocketed the joke instead of the fee.

GOT THE BOOTS.

        --While Longstreet's corps was passing through Columbia, a soldier stepped into a store and called for a pair of boots. A pair was handed out and the price demanded.

        "Sixty dollars," said the merchant.

        "Mighty high," replied the soldier.

        "Tell me of anything that is not high," responded the merchant, "and I will make you a present of the boots."

        "Soldiers' Wages, sir," promptly replied the soldier.

        "Take the boots," said the merchant, and the soldier marched off with them, leaving the merchant quite convinced that "the boot was on the right foot."

        Mirabeau thus wrote to a young lady who had fallen in love with his genius, and wished to know how he looked:

        "Fancy his satanic majesty, after having had the small pox--and such am I."

        There is one redeeming trait about lazy people and that is, they are always good-natured. Show us a man who sleeps eight hours out of twelve, and we will show you an individual who will not swear. The only folks who lose their tempers and "take on" are your smart, enterprising fellows, who get up "corners" on stocks.

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        "Jinks" says a pretty woman is like a lock, because she is a thing to a door (adore.) Heavy for "Jinks!"

        We can see no reason in the world why the capital of Ireland should not increase, since it is always--Dublin.

        A pickpocket, who had been ducked for his malpractices, accounted to his brethren for the derangement in his appearance, by coolly observing that he had not been able to change his dress since his return from a celebrated watering place.

AN EXPLANATION OF THE CONSCRIPTION ACT.

        Artemas Ward sends a circular to the Boston Post which is as luminous, if not as voluminous, as those of the immortal Fry:

CIRCULAR No. 78.

        --As the undersigned has been led to fear that the law regulating the draft was not wholly understood, notwithstanding the numerous explanatory circulars that have been issued from the national capital of late, he hereby issues a circular of his own; and if he shall succeed in making his favorite measures more clear to a discerning public, he will feel that he has not lived in vain:

A. WARD.

PUT THAT IMPUDENT FELLOW OUT.

        --While the congregation were collecting at church, on a certain occasion, an old lark, a hard featured, skin and bone individual, was seen wending his way up the aisle, taking his seat near the pulpit. The officiating minister was one of those who detested written sermons, and as for prayers, he thought that they ought to be natural outpourings of the heart. After the singing was concluded, the house as usual was called to prayer. The genius we have introduced did not kneel, but leaned his head devotionally on the back of the pew. The minister began by saying:

        "Father of all, in every age, by saint and savage adored,"--"Pope," said a low, but clear voice; continued, "whose throne sitteth on the adamantine hills of Paradise,"--"Milton," again interrupted the voice. The minister's lips quivered for a moment, but recovering himself, began, "we thank thee most gracious Father, that we are permitted to assemble once more in thy name, while others equally meritorious but less favored, have been carried beyond that bourne from which no traveler returns,"--"Shakespeare," interrupted the voice. This was too much; "put that impudent rascal out," shouted the minister. "Original," ejaculated the voice, in the same calm but provoking manner.

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AN ASTONISHED ETHIOPIAN.

        --Among the humorous incidents recited to Punch, connected with the capture of New Orleans, is the following:

        Just before General Lovell, in company with an aid, is reported to have turned the head of his horse toward the Yankee gunboats steaming up the Old Father of Waters, and exclaimed with a classical burst of despair, "Well, the jig's up!" great preparations were made to give the enemy a warm reception on the famous field of Chalmette.

        The historic field was, however, abandoned, but not before the Yankee gunboats distributed a few shells over its surface.

        Among the last to retire was the witty reporter of the Daily Delta, Major McKnight, better known as "Asa Hartz," who had with him a body servant, named Sam, by no means a warlike kinsman of the King of Dahomey.

        Presently, a shell, screaming through the air, burst within a hundred yards of Sam, fortunately doing no damage.

        Sam had never heard nor seen one of the screamers, and the explosion caused him to dip low and his eyes to grew unusually big.

        Cautiously approaching an oblong piece of the exploded shell, rough on one side, smooth on the other, Sam picked it up, curiously surveying the latter side.

        "What do you think of it, Sam?" inquired the Major.

        "Great King, Massa George! who ebber seed de likes before! Dey's shootin smoothin irons at us!"

ACCUSATION AND ACQUITTAL.

        --A person looking over the catalogue of professional gentlemen of the bar, with his pencil wrote against the name of one who is of the bustling order:

        "Has been accused of possessing talents."

        Another, seeing the accusation, immediately wrote under the charge:

        "Has been tried and acquitted."

        "Mr. Snowball, I want to ask you one question, disebening."

        "Well, succed, den."

        "S'pose you go to the tabbern to get dinner, and don't

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hab noffin on de table but a big beet, what should you say?"

        "I gib dat up afore you ax it. What should you say?"

        "Why, under de circumstances ob de case, I should say, dat beet's all!

        ......A schoolmaster in Ohio advertises that he will keep a Sunday school twice a week, Tuesdays and Saturdays.

MAJOR DOWNING'S VIEWS ON FIGHTING.

        --Here is what the celebrated Major Jack Downing said several years ago, on the subject of fighting. True as preaching, isn't it? "In the matter of fighting, there is one thing I always keep my eyes on, and I found Gen. Jackson of the same way of thinking, and that is, to depend less on folks who say they are ready to shed the last drop of their blood, than on folks who are ready to shed the first drop. Give a man eight dollars a day to make speeches in Congress, with the right of free postage, and you hear enough of last drop matters; when it comes to camp duty, then the first drop folks have to stand the rack at eight dollars a month!

ANTI-CONNUBIAL.

        --The following verses were written by a distressed husband, who cheated his wife, in uniting the praises of matrimony, by so arranging the lines that, to get at the sentiment of the writer, we must alternate them--reading the first and third, then the second and fourth.


                         That man must lead a happy life,
                         Who is directed by a wife,
                         Who's freed from matrimonial claims
                         Is sure to suffer for his pains.
                         Adam could find no solid peace
                         Till he beheld a woman's FACE,
                         When Eve was given for a mate
                         Adam was in a happy state
                         In all the female race appear
                         Truth, darling of a heart sincere,
                         Hypocrisy, deceit, and pride
                         In woman never did reside.
                         What tongue is able to unfold
                         The worth of woman we behold?
                         The failings that in woman dwell

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                         Are almost imperceptible.
                         Confusion take the men, I say,
                         Who no regard to women pay,
                         Who make the women their delight
                         Keep reason always in their sight.

        Coming down from Chattanooga on the Western and Atlantic train a few days ago, the passengers were consulting Hill & Swayze's Rail-Road Guide, and discussing the subject of Hotels in Atlanta, and selecting which they should stop at;

        "Let's go to McGinley's, he's one of the old brotherhood of Know-Nothings."

        "Oh," said another. "I shall stop at Sasseen's, he knows little enough for me!"

        A Young lawyer was asked by a judge, whether, in the transmigration of souls, he would prefer being turned into a horse or an ass?

        "An ass," quickly replied the lawyer.

        "Why? asked the judge.

        "Because I have heard of an ass being a judge, but never a horse."

        "Why is it" asked a Yankee of a Rebel, "that you Rebels are always fighting for Liberty, while we Federals only fight for honor?"

        "I suppose," said the Rebel, "that each are fighting for what they most lack."

NEGRO PREACHING DOWN SOUTH.

        --A paper says many ludicrous chapters might be written on the scenes that are of every day occurrence in churches where the congregations are all negroes, and the preachers are untaught and unsophisticated Ethiopes.

        In New Orleans, just before the war broke out, having heard that a revival was going on in the Fourth District African Church, I attended.

        In company with a friend I entered the church, and the seat nearest the door being vacant, we quietly occupied it, Preaching had already commenced, and we did not learn

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what portion of scripture the revered minister had selected as a text. The Holy Book was spread out before him, though it was evident that he did not know how to read, but depended altogether on his memory for his scriptural quotations and references, most of which were so horribly mixed up and garbled as to render it difficult to decide what particular scripture he was trying to recite.

        Whenever he mentioned the Saviour, he used the expression "Massa Jesus;" but when he referred to one of the disciples he spoke of him as "Brudder Peter," "Brudder Matthew," &c.

        In the course of his sermon, he related the following, which he said could be found "In de third book of Brudder Matthew, on de right hand side ob de page":

        "Den, when de people all up dar on de top ob de mountain, Massa Jesus tell Brudder Peter to go down to de ribber an catch a fish. Now Brudder Peter had no bate; but he had faith in de Lord--dat what he hab. An now you see a part ob de miraculus. He go down and frow in de line, an de hook no soonor touch de water dan he hab a bite, an he pull out a great big shad. Den he take de shad up to Massa Jesus, an Massa Jesus pull out his knife an cut de shad open an take out a piece ob money; an he say to Brudder Peter, whose hed am dis on dis penny? An Brudder Peter answer an say unto him, dat am Caesar's hed. Den he say, gib unto Caesar de things dat am Ceasar's. So, ob course, Peter go an gib de penny to Caesar. But he take de shad an feed de great multitude; an dey gather up de fragments; more dan enuf for dar supper an breakfast next morning. Dar, my brudders and sisters, you see de hole ob de miracalus!"

        The sermon being ended, the congregation struck up the hymn commencing


                         "O, for a mansion in the sky."

        They sung the hymn in different voices. For instance when those who led off had sang the words, "O, for a man--" other voices would commence at the first, while the first voices would keep on. The third line of the verse reads.


                         "Send down salvation from on high."

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        and a few moments after they commenced, one-half of the congregation were crying at the top of their voices "O, for a man," while the other half were chiming in equally loud, "Send down sal"!

        Confusion was worse confounded, and your correspondent and his friend left, almost splitting our sides with laughter.

        "How rapidly they build houses now, where they build at all," said Robinson, to an old acquaintance, as he pointed to a two story house in the suburbs of Atlanta. They commenced that building only last week and they are already putting in the lights."

        "Yes" rejoined his friend, and next week they will put in the liver.

AN OLD MAID'S REFLECTIONS.

        Well, here I am in the chimney corner darning stockings! Pleasant occupation for my birth-day, truly Twenty-nine years ago since I came into the world. But it won't do to let that be known; I told Miss Snap to-day that I was twenty-three--I didn't tell her how much older I was!--she said indeed! in a very emphatic tone, as if she did'nt believe it; and then the wretch had the impudence to tell me that I had six months the advantage of her, She's thirty if she's a day! it's strange how some people will lie! If I'd lost all my front teeth and was obliged to wear false curls, I would'nt try to pass myself off for twenty-two.

        I wonder whether I was always cut out for an old maid! Net but I'd rather be an old maid ten times over than marry some folks. There's Sally Snap! I verily believe she'd give up all chance of a seat in the kingdom of Heaven, if she could get an offer from John Smith, the wood-sawyer, and be glad of the chance! It's strange what some people would be willing to do for the sake of a husband! for my part, I would'nt take John Smith if he'd go down on his knees before me, and threaten to shoot himself if I didn't.

        Heigh ho! its rather dismal sitting here alone in the evening, with nothing but a cat to keep you company. To

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be sure it's better than to have your life worried out of you by a parcel of children, with a brute of a husband, that will storm like a house a fire, if a button happens to come off his shirt and you don't sew it on directly. Heaven preserve me from such a fate!

        Hark, there's the bell! Goodness gracious! if it isn't John Smith himself, and I've got my morning dress on, and my hair isn't combed. I wonder what he wants? What if he has come to make me an offer! I think, on the whole, if he should that I would take compassion on him--just to spite Miss Snap. Would not she feel like tearing my eyes out--that's all.

CONUNDRUMS.

        Why are the Confederate rams, unfit for the opening of the blockade? Because seized by Russell, they have drifted to seaward (Seward.)

        Why is it that the Yankees in Tennessee are always overreached? Because they have some one to cheat 'em (Cheatham.)

        When is a pair of horses well matched? When one is willing to do all the work and the other is willing he should.

        What letter in the alphabet is the most disagreeable one to an old maid? Letter B.

        Why are some women like horses? Because the gayer their harness is, the better they feel.

        Punch met a friend anxiously looking for "concentrated lye." Strange that he did not see the Yankee dispatches.

        Biddy says the best way to make iced cakes, is to bake them in a freezing even.

        It is all nonsense to suppose that money can't buy happiness; any man who has money can keep in good spirits, if he wants to, as there is a plenty in town.

        Why should a dealer in "bivalves" be usually serious? Because he is an austere man. (Oyster man.)

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        When is a man not himself? When he is an ape of somebody else.

        Why are henpecked husbands like crinoline? Because they are continually under petticoat rule!

        Why are our farmers the most intemperate depreciators of Confederate currency? Because they keep well corn-ed, and are stupid enough to think the money not "as good as wheat."

        Why is an extortioner like a sculptor? Because it is his business to "chisel"

        Why are siege guns like tailors? Because they make breaches.

        Why are troubles like babies? Because they grow by nursing.

        Why may women be called the harder sex? Because they were formed of bone, and are very often stone-y hearted.

        Why is an occupied chair like an expensive piece of goods? Because it is sat-in.

WIT.

        --Wit, like every power has its boundaries. Its success depends upon the aptitude of others to receive impressions, and as some bodies, indissoluble by heat, can set the furnace and crucible at defiance, there are minds at which the rays of fancy may be pointed without effect, and which no fire of sentiment can agitate or exalt.--Johnson.

        The following equivocal notice is said to swing out on a sign-board, somewhere in the Western country; "Smith & Huggs--Select School--Smith teaches the boys, and Huggs the girls."

CONUNDRUMS.

        What class of mechanics are the most regular in their business? The carpenters, because they live mostly by rule.

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        Why is dancing an intoxicating exercise? Because before we get through with it, we generally find ourselves reeling.

        Why is the town bell a great tattler? Because it makes known all it is tolled.

        When is a bank like a toper? When it goes on a burst.

        Why are bar-keepers like mosquitoes? Because they take their nips, free of charge.

        Why is a man who vacates a house and cheats his land-lord, like an officer in the army? Because he is a lefttenant.

        Why may a poor doctor be said to be more lucky than a rich mechanic? Because he never has any of his bad work turned on his hands.

        Why are gloves the most unsaleable of all articles? Because there are more of them on hand than any other goods.

        Why should North Carolina have the darkest nights? Because it is so very pitchy.

        What sort of drums are the most stirring? Kettl drums.

        What sort are the most indelicate? Bass drums.

        What sort are the most borish? Humdrums.

        What sort are the most amusing? Con-un-drums.

        What's the difference between a suit of clothes and a law suit? One provides us with pockets, the other empties them.

        Why was Adam an actor? Because he was the leading man.

        Why may the present war be compared to a lottery full of prizes? Because every man who takes a chance in it will certainly draw a sight, a sword, or his rations.

JUST SO.

        --Who is that glittering officer whom I have seen every time I came to Richmond, and who is so devoted to

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the fair sex and to mint juleps, inquired a veteran of a citizen?

        "Why he is on parole," was the reply.

        "Well," said the veteran, "I suppose he must be on a pay roll, judging from appearances."

LITERARY CURIOSITY.

        --Looking over an old book, one sometimes comes suddenly upon a rare production. The following ingeniously constructed line is familiar to the antiquarian, and perhaps to others; but few know this, it is from the works of John Taylor, the Water Poet. Thus it runs:


                         "Lewd did I live, evil did I dwell."

        "This," observes Taylor, "is the same backwards as forwards, and I will give any man five shillings who will produce another line equal to it."

        That would be rather a difficult task.

        Our "devil," however, is after the shillings;

Hannah did live, evil did Hannah.

        Why is a Yankee dispatch like the product of ashes? Because it is the essence of ley.

        Wool has been placed on the retired list by Lincoln. This article was discarded before the war.

        Why is Vallandigham like a disconsolate lover? Because he continually sighs O-hi-o.

        A yankee editor speaking of the rule of Butler the Beast in New Orleans, says that he was drawn there because of his capacity to manage rebels. If we catch him, he will be quartered here.

        Why is a wee drink of the ardent going down the threat of the Irish renegade, General Meagher, like the falling of the top of Vesuvius? Because it is a drop of the crater.

A SAFE CONJECTURE.

        --The Marechal d'Etrees, aged one

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hundred and three, heard of the death of the Duke de Tresme, at the age of ninety-three. "I am very sorry for it," said the Mareshal, "but not surprised, he was a poor, worn out creature, I always said the man could never live long."

        While Governor S----was President of the University of North Carolina, walking on the Campus one day, he observed an unlawful assemblage of students. He proceeded towards them with his head down, his eyes fixed on the tip of his shoes, as was his wont. In the meantime all but one of the students left, and by the time the Governor reached the place of assembly they were no where to be seen. He lifted his eyes upon the place where the boys ought to have been, or rather where they ought not to have been, and issued the following singular order to the single student left;

        "Sir, instantly disperse to your several places of abode.'

        Foote was acquitted from a certain charge preferred against him by the instigation of the Duchess of Kingston, by proving an alibi. When the trial was concluded, and the perjury evident, Lord Mansfield observed. "This is a very providential alibi; it has baffled the most infamous conspiracy ever set on Foot."

        An Arkansas ex-Judge and great orator, said once in a murder case; "For was net Moses, the strongest of men, struck dead by a thunder bolt from the hand of Sampson on the top of Mount Tabor, for slaying an Egyptian at the foot of the pyramid of Cyrus, King of Athens."

        Recently a man was digging some worms for my birds. A bright eyed, golden haired, three year old pet of his was standing by. Maggie watched the little creepers trying to escape from the basin into the ground, when she suddenly exclaimed:

        "Oh, just look! they want to go to their mother."

        He told her he did not know they had a mother. She immediately replied:

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"The earth's their mother."

        And she was right. They were earth-worms.

        Old Squire Jack, as he was familiarly called, was for many years a Justice of the Peace in----, and in addition to issuing warrants and executions, was frequently called upon to perform the marriage ceremony.

        One bitter cold winter night, about twelve o'clock, he was aroused from his sleep by a knock at the door. In no very amiable mood he jumped from his warm bed, and throwing up the window, called out,

        "Who's there?"

        "Holloa, squire!" was the reply, "we want to get married."

        "You're one, and now be off with you!" roared the Squire, and bringing down the window with a crash, he hopped into bed again.

        "They are living man and wife to this day," the Squire always added, when he told the story.

        Sergeant K---- having made two or three mistakes while conducting a cause, petulantly exclaimed, "I seem to be inoculated with dullness to-day." "Inoculated, brother" said Erskine, "I thought you had it in the natural way."

        Complaint having been recently made in a Yorkshire hospital, that an old Hibernian would not submit to prescribed remedies, one of the committee proceeded to expostulate with him, when he defended himself by exclaiming, "Sure, your honor, was'nt it a blister they wanted to put on my back? and I only tould 'em it was altogether impossible, for I've such a mighty dislike to them blisters that put 'em where you will, they are sure to go agin my stomach."

        Mathew's attendant, in his last illness, administered to the patient some medicine; but a few moments after, it was discovered that the medicine was nothing but ink, which

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had been taken from the vial by mistake, and his friend exclaimed:

        "Good heavens, Matthews, I have given you ink."

        "Never mind, my boy, never mind," said Matthews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit of blotting paper."

        The Grand Jury in the Criminal Court of Baltimore City not long since, had quite a dispute with Judge Bond, and a good deal of bickering among themselves: They were finally reminded by the Judge that it was highly improper for them to publicly disclose what had transpired in their room, and requested them to retire. Whereupon Bob B---- remarked, "The whole proceeding was what might be properly classed as a racy specimen of Grand Jury's prudence (jurisprudence.)

        The same Bob B----, on learning of a fight that had taken place between two members of the bar, in which an umbrella, thrown up by one of the combatants to fend off the blows of the other, suffered most, said, "He had'nt much sympathy for either of the parties, but he felt for the umbrella."

        "Why so," said a by-stander.

        "Because it was under a reign of terror."

        Sully, the painter, was a man distinguished for refinement of manners, as well as his success in art. At a party one evening, Sully was speaking of a belle who was a great favorite.

        "Ah," says Sully, "she has a mouth like an elephant."

        "Oh! oh! Mr. Sully, how can you be so rude?"

        "Rude, ladies, what do you mean? I say she's got a mouth like an elephant, because it is full of ivory."

        A person asked a Grecian philosopher what he thought was the proper time to dine.

        "Sir," said the ancient, "the proper time for dinner with the opulent is when they choose; with the poor man when he can."

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        The following specimen of the jeu d'esprit, current about 1805, may be worth preservation:

        Says Boney to Johnny, "We're crossing to Dover."

        Says Johnny to Boney, "We can't let you come."

        Says Boney to Johnny, "What if I come over."

        Says Johnny to Boney, "You'll be overcome."

        "Can I show you anything more to-day, sir?" asked the civil gentleman, behind the counter of his worthy customer. "Yes sir," was the reply, "will you be good enough to show me the silk umbrella I left here three weeks ago."

        "There's no humbug about these sardines," said Brown as he helped himself to a third plateful from a newly opened box, "they are the genuine article, and came all the way from the Mediteranean." "Yes," replied his economical wife, "and if you will only control your appetite, they will go a great deal further." Brown did not ask for any more.

TOO MANY POLES.

        --Some years ago we attended a camp meeting in Fairfax county, Va. While we were sitting one afternoon in the tent of our friend, old Squire Briggs, chatting agreeably with his interesting family, a man with a voice like the "bulls of Bashan," commenced in a tent immediately adjoining the one we were in, a noisy exhortation, which, of course, abruptly finished our conversation. We placed ourselves in an attitude for listening, out of respect for the worthy Squire, who was a leading man in the Church.

        The roaring speaker, with more zeal than knowledge, loudly extolled the superiority of the Methodist religion, "For," said he, "it has already spread Urope, Asha, Afrik and 'Merica. Yes," he continued, "it will spread from the North Pole to the South Pole, and from the East Pole to the West Pole."

        While we were endeavoring to maintain our gravity, which was done with the utmost difficulty, all the decorum

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and propriety we could command was scattered to "the poles" by our worthy host exclaiming, in his peculiarly fine voice,

        "Why, brother Bange has got in two more poles thar than I ever heard of before."

ANECDOTE OF GEN. SAM HOUSTON.

        When General Houston was President of the Republic of Texas, in 1842, Commodore Moore, who commanded the Texas navy, disobeyed the instructions of the President, and crippled and almost destroyed the Mexican fleet in an engagement off Yucatan. So signal was the victory, that the object of the Mexican Government to destroy the sea-port towns of Texas was entirely frustrated; and the almost unanimous voice of the people of Texas screened their naval commander from the punishment that the ire of the hero of San Jacinto would otherwise have meeted out to him, for daring to disobey his instructions issued through the Navy Department. But ever after this circumstance, Houston and Moore became implacable foes; and the former--who was constantly retained in high office by the people, as an earnest of the high appreciation in which they held his revolutionary services--failed not to improve every opportunity to injure the Commodore all in his power.

        The result of these repeated injuries was, that Moore sent Houston a challenge. Now Sam, (peace to his ashes) has been often branded with cowardice by his political enemies, but, though we never believed him to be a coward, it is evident that with him prudence was often "the better part of valor;" and so on this occasion.

        The challenge was handed him by Gen. McLeod. Gen. H. deliberately opened and read the message; drew from his coat pocket a large memorandum book, which he opened, and several pages of which he scanned for some moments, seemingly engaged in solving some difficult arithmetical problem; then, placing the challenge in the book, and returning the same to his pocket, he drew himself up to his full height (6 feet 4 inches,) looked disdainfully down upon

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the Liliputian figure (5 feet 2 inches) of Gen. McLeo