Child-rearing philosophies
Barbee did not marry until she was in her early forties, and she had her daughter Louise at forty-three. She reflects on what it was like to have a child later in life and paraphrases her basic child-rearing philosophies, including how she had dealt with a recent crisis in Louise's life.
Citing this Excerpt
Oral History Interview with Annie Mack Barbee, May 28, 1979. Interview H-0190. Southern Oral History Program Collection (#4007) in the Southern Oral History Program Collection, Southern Historical Collection, Wilson Library, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.
Full Text of the Excerpt
- BEVERLY JONES:
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How many children did you have?
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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One, Louise.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Okay, her name is Louise?
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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Yeah.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Barbee.
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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Louise Valveeta Barbee. Just put Louise V. Barbee. I never could
pronounce that. He named her. I never could pronounce that.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Okay, what is your philosophy on rearing your daughter, since you only
had one child. What is your philosophy about rearing children in
reference to your daughter Louise?
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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Well, in my opinion, if you're going to have children,
don't have 'em too late in life.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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So how old were you when you had Louise?
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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Forty-three.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Well you married late.
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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That's what I'm telling you now.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Okay, he was your first husband.
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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First husband. See I married in '53. Louise was born in
'56. That's on her birth certificate.
It's around here, she didn't take it with her,
that's on her birth certificate. So I married late in life.
But if you're going to have children, that's my
philosophy—have 'em early. Not too early,
'cause maybe there are some things you want to do before you
start a family. But don't wait too late. Because if you have
children, you have more patience. Now having children late in life
don't take the love away. I think you love 'em
just as well if you have 'em early. But there's a
kind of conflict between you and the child. You know, you're
old, up in age—not too old, but old. And the child will say,
momma, such and such a thing. She won't see it like I do. But
when you're kind of young you can kind of relate to the
child, you see. 'Cause you're kind of young and
the children are young, so there's another meaning in there
between you and the child. And so, I was fortunate to be near Polly in
her early childhood. So she was a second mother, see what I mean. She
could relate to her. And part your own—well, in other words,
Polly'd take her children like her sisters and brothers. Her
first early childhood baby like, she was up to her house because I had
to work. So she was just a second momma, see. I didn't spend
too much time with her, only at night 'cause I was working.
Polly would keep her in the day while I
worked. So I've gotten along well with her. One thing, I try
to see with a open mind. And I do understand a lot. The children are
different now—we have such a hard time. Now one thing I
didn't do—I didn't try to bring her up
like our daughter. I didn't want to.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Why not?
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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I wanted her to go but come back. I didn't put that so nough
strictness on her, you know. She wouldn't take it, she
wouldn't accept it had I gone along with it. The way I was
raised that wouldn't have worked at all. I know she wanted to
go and I wanted her to go. She wanted to be like others. And I remember
a incident. These children were going to DTI (Durham Technical
Institute) to a [Interruption]
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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You got to know where to draw the line between permissiveness and, you
know, permission, with children. You got to know where to draw the line.
That's hard sometimes. You let 'em go and do too
much, then you try to hold 'em back. Now that is hard.
Don't you let nobody fool you. And then you want to let
'em hang out on their own and then you interfere and they
rebel. That's another hard thing. They rebel. "Oh
mommy, I know what I'm doing." I said, now what can
you do. And the thing—in other words, they rebel against you
and you drive 'em in the very thing you don't want
'em to get in. And it's hard, and you
don't mean to be hard on 'em, in those ways. But,
you draw the line, you draw it too tight or you slack it up, and here
you go.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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The same situation develops.
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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Same thing develops. It's no different. You let 'em
go too much. Then you keep 'em home too much. And then you
say, I got a lady called me last night sometime. She said to me, Mrs.
Barbee, where did I go wrong at. And see I know,
because Louise and her children grew up together partly. She said, I let
'em go and I give 'em permission. She's
a much younger woman than I am. She said, I let 'em go, and
they don't respect me one bit. And I said, one thing Mrs.
Brown, children grow up over night. Did I say Mrs. Brown? I
didn't mean to call her her name.
[laughter]
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Well I don't think anybody would know it.
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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Well anyway, I said children grow up over night. And when you do your
very best—I said, and it's another thing being
parents. I said, don't think of blaming yourself too much,
it's the age that we're living in. They hold
'em too tight. That's dangerous, that's
a whole lot worse I think. When you hold—they
haven't been out there to find out what it's all
about. They are not equipped to meet it, you know. You're
just holding 'em. Then when you let 'em go, and
they're heading into danger and you know it. You know it, you
see the danger. Then you tell 'em about it and try to hold
'em back and they rebel. I don't think they mean
to do it—they rebel against you. You're their
target. They rebel against you, and it make me sick, I can't
go, I can't do this and I can't do
that—let me live my life. Well you don't want
surrender. You keep on bumping at that thing and harping at you. You
won't surrender. You talk and talk and talk. So finally you
do surrender. But when you surrender, don't give yourself the
credit. They've seen where they were wrong, but they
ain't going to give you no credit for that. 'Cause
a incident happened to me. Louise left, and I begged and I cried. Going
down there to Fayetteville to see a vet—she met a guy. I
liked the guy, I did. Really frankly speaking, I ain't going
to tell no lie, I really liked him. But, he was married. He
wasn't living with his wife. And I saw
danger there. She'd go down there every weekend. And I cried.
I wrote the vet some letters and all. And I cried and I cried. And I
would tell her not to go. And after the boy finally, he said, Louise
what's the big rush. I'd answer the phone and
he'd get out about coming down there. So you know what
happened in that case. The last time she went down there he broke it off
his self. I just gave it up. He told Louise, he said, "Louise
some day you're going to thank me for this." So I
told her, I said he was a gentleman. I said, if you all never see each
other again, I'll always remember him. His name was Marshall
MacMillan. She said, "Why do you say that?" I said
because of the fact that at the rate you were going, he could a used
you. And he was too much of a gentleman to use you. And I said,
I'll always thank him for it. He could a used her, just used
her, because he saw where she was heading. But he just broke it off. He
came in here and Louise got hot to sit right there. And I talked to him.
I said, she's rather young and she hasn't been out
there, she don't know nothing. And I don't want
her to get hurt. I said, I understand you and your wife separated. I
said, that's a personal thing. I said, but you all are going
to different places and I don't know the type of life you
had. [interruption]
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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Came here one Friday evening, I'll never forget it. Just
crying, oh boy, was she crying. I got sick as a dog. She was just crying
and crying. She said, "Momma, I wish I had listened at
you." I said, lord. She said, "What." I
didn't question, he broke it off. And she cried and she
cried. So I said to Vets, I said, you know I was thinking about that
thing. I said Marshall could've used Louise, but he
didn't do it, he was too much of a gentleman. He
could've had her running down there every five minutes. The
way she was going, he could get out about going. But you see, I
don't know what happened between them.
But she came and told me she wished she had a listened at me. But I
don't know whether that was it or not. She just seen the
thing, the situation, for herself. I'd been crying, and oh
lord, I worried so. I don't know whether me interfering in
her life like that had an impact on her emotional life. But I just
couldn't sit here and keep my mouth shut. I
couldn't do it. No mother does. I didn't fuss for
her. Just, "got anything to tell me before I go."
I'd be laying right here on the bed, she was getting ready to
go. I said, no. She said, "Are you sure?" I said,
yeah. Crying up a mess. Oh god, just crying. Not crying that the boy was
going to hurt her—he was too much of a gentleman. I was
crying because a situation may have developed. See he separated from his
wife somebody get hurt. That's what I
was crying for. 'Cause I had already talked with him about
it. I said, I don't want her to get hurt. I said, I
don't know your wife. He was in the hospital and he called
and told her when he was in the hospital and all that. Now I
don't know whether she blamed me for that or not. I
don't know. But if she blames me for anything I've
said in her life, that's allright, I'm not worried
about it. Because I knew if that had kept up, something was going to
develop.
- BEVERLY JONES:
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Now what is your daughter doing now?
- ANNIE MACK BARBEE:
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She's in D.C. getting a job. She's supposed to be
interviewed for a job today.